FAITH MATTERS: Spiritual Friends
From The Gardner News, Saturday, August 5, 2006:
Americans have fewer friends than they did a generation ago, according to a recent study from Duke University. In the last twenty years the average number of close friendships outside the family, friends we can discuss important matters with, has shrunk from three to two. One of the casualties of this change has been the loss of spiritual friends.
We may have more casual friends and acquaintances, but we have lost relationships where we can feel safe talking about our spiritual journey and what ultimately gives our lives meaning. We have lost spiritual friendships in which we feel free to talk out loud about the sacred in our lives. We have lost a place to reflect deeply with another about our deepest hopes and fears and to explore the mysterious movement of the Spirit in our lives.
The fortunate among us still have a spiritual friend or spiritual companion with whom we can share this most intimate part of our selves, the deepest part of who we are. Perhaps it is a grandmotherly or grandfatherly figure, older and wiser. We treasure them for hard-earned experience, the wisdom of a lifetime and generosity of spirit. They have a deep prayer life and connection with God. We feel safe going to them for advice and just to talk.
Others of us have at least one deep friendship or “best friend” with whom we can be totally and authentically ourselves. We never need to censor our deepest thoughts and feelings with them. We can share who we are: our wonderings and questions, our deepest hopes and sadness. They are the rare friends we feel comfortable praying and meditating with, sharing our spiritual journey with, sitting in silence with. They are friends of our hearts and souls, with no agenda except to be there for us and with us. They are companions on the spiritual journey with us. Sadly, these spiritual friendships are becoming rarer and rarer.
Many people of faith are reclaiming this tradition of spiritual friendships, intentionally seeking out or creating spiritual friendships as a way of exploring and deepening their faith lives. A “spiritual friend” or “spiritual companion” doesn’t need to be professionally trained. But it should be someone you trust enough to share your spiritual life with and who will keep your confidences.
A spiritual friend or companion should be primarily a listener, rather than a talker. They should be able to affirm your own unique journey in faith and your own deepening journey with God, rather than insisting on your following their path. If we go seeking advice and help in decision-making, they should use questions to help us clarify God’s movement and leading in our lives, leading us to, rather than simply giving us their answers. They should also be willing to “speak the truth in love”. When asked, a good spiritual friend will find a way to reflect back to us what they see happening in our spiritual journey. A good friend can say things that we may not be able to hear from others.
A “spiritual friendship” should have explicit ground rules and expectations. Meetings should be planned ahead, happen regularly--often monthly, and should be distinct from social time. Often spiritual friends meet in a place made “sacred” by the lighting of a candle or the placement of a special object, and beginning and ending with prayer or shared silence. If the spiritual friendship is meant to be mutual, time should be designated for each person in turn, with no ambiguity about which person is the focus of attention.
Like the mysterious movement of the Spirit in our lives, spiritual friendships have a pace and timing of their own. Friendship develops out of the experience of deep sharing and listening. In opening our authentic selves to one another, we open ourselves more deeply to God. And in the sacred companionship and friendship of a fellow traveler on the journey, we come to see that in God we are never alone!